I promised myself that the next semester would be my last in college and that next year, I am medschool bound no matter what. But up until now, I’m still not sure whether this will happen or not.
Maybe its just me being the uber pessimist or maybe I’m just being honest to myself. I mean, I have 11 units left for next semester, all of which require Chemistry 160, but I have no sure way of knowing if my waiver will be approved or not. It sucks really, having to go home here and be blank inside your head. You can’t say much about anything because there’s nothing much to talk about. The more you think about it, the worse you feel for keeping it to yourself. Yes, I know, have someone to talk to about your problems and stuff and you will feel better etc. To be honest, I used to do that but now, I’m just not in the mood to divulge all the damning details of my acad life. It’s so frustrating, confusing too.
I’m being devilishly selfish (and bratty) for thinking that all the world’s misery has fallen in love with me. In fact, I think I have the heaviest burden even when I’m just carrying some acad related problem. My problem doesn’t even involve family or friends, money, attention or love like what most people have but it feels like I’m drowning into something darker, deeper than I could ever climb out of.
What I hate the most is feeling the need to lie; white lies I mean. I tend to change the subject or lie about not feeling well whenever the topic shifts to my ‘nearing and expected’ graduation this summer. It’s not that I’m hiding nor am I proving myself weak but I feel more stressed to repeat what even I cannot tolerate to hear. It’s like I’m torturing myself psychologically.
I find it a bit weird whenever some people take solace in the fact that they think they are way better off than other people. Like for example, one person would have a problem about his boyfriend or girlfriend while the other one would be burdened by money troubles. Comparing yourself to other people in this manner, for me, is being self-centered in a way. And it’s not nice to have relief this way when you have other people suffering. It’s like your mocking them for having such fate or destiny or whatever you call it.
Officially, I imposed upon myself that today is the start of my sembreak, though it started a week back for some. No more heavy thoughts for now, no more silent cries at night and no more worries of what might happen if this and that doesn’t materialize. It’ll no longer be in my hands and I shouldn’t be mad or angry if things don’t turn out the way I want them to. My only solace for now is that I have faith and I have trust in HIM, that whatsoever is in HIS will shall happen to me, in HIS time and in HIS grace.
For now, I’ll have tons of Korean series to watch and a multitude of subjects to review for my December NMAT. I really hope that this time I’ll be able to make it to the 90th percentile rank. My college grades suck so I’m counting on my NMAT score to pull me up, just in case.
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Gosh, I miss my friends. I really hope we could meet up this week or the next. Hopefully (crossing my fingers) that we’ll do a food trip this time at MOA. Haven’t seen those witches for a long time and I sure want to hear about them. Hmm…wish we’d try shabu-shabu this time.
4 Comments
November 1, 2007 at 1:46 am
sounds like you’re at the point of burning out. time to take it easy. your present mood will come to pass.
November 1, 2007 at 9:28 am
plaridel:
im way past the burning out period…nasa insanity line na ko. haha. thanks for saying it though. =)
November 2, 2007 at 11:35 pm
Good to hear your ok now. Online change of matriculation ends in 6 so we need to be in LB by 7 to 8 to do the manual registration. See you there
December 24, 2007 at 5:37 am
get a boyfriend and you’ll get sane again. lolz.